“Anne, what am I doing?”

One of my friends has a little daughter named Posey. Posey is one of those kids that exudes personality–with phrases and giggles to make even the coldest heart melt. One night I got the pleasure of watching Posey (what some call babysitting), and we were in full-blast play mode with her pretend kitchen. Looking for utensils, Posey served me “breakfast,” asking me what I wanted to eat. (I’m assuming you have a picture now of pure cuteness.) In the middle of this game, she looked at me, serious as could be and said, “Anne, what am I doing? … What, what am I even doing?” then laughed and ran off to her next adventure.

I am asking that question a lot lately. “What… what am I even doing?”

I consistently forget that the primary purpose of my being is simply that: being. Being so consumed with the love and grace of the Creator that everything I end up doing flows from my being, not the other way around. And I think for some time now, I have allowed myself to believe the reverse is true: that the more I do, the better I am, and the better I am, the more I do.

Today in church, our pastor said, “What is your current reality? Who are you, really? And how are you addressing the character deficiencies in your life to become more like Christ asks you to be?” Yikes. Then he said sometime later, “Reckless words are connected to an underdeveloped character.” Double yikes. If you know me, you know I have some issues with reckless words.

So I’ve got some “being” to do (see how I am still obsessed with doing?) I guess the correct phrase would be, I’ve got some being to be. Yup, grammatically disastrous and all. There are some serious areas of my soul that are dark and cloudy, full of joyless cynicism masked in the desire for truth. And I’ve got some extracting to do.

So this post is a bit of a jumbled mess. And that’s been my brain lately. I don’t have a nice way to wrap this up with a big red bow, because my thoughts are so incomplete. I learn, grow, and change daily. And I’m starting to realize that that’s the truest goal: to grow and change my character, so that I reflect the light that is inside of me more than I did yesterday, last month, last year.

Here’s to being. Here’s a picture of Posey, by the way, just “being.”

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