more than circumstance.

I’ve been pondering this idea for a couple of months now, but have felt pretty inadequate in articulating it.

I still feel amateurish, and my thoughts are not anywhere near conclusive, but I’ll try to express my brain-waves through language anyhow. This is a blog, isn’t that what this is for? (Warning: this could very well turn into massive word-vomit.)
Ever since this whole engagement thing, people have swarmed me with wedding questions. I feel as though anytime I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while, instead of asking how I am doing, they ask how wedding planning is going. Don’t get me wrong, I know they care–I know they ask because they love me (If you’re reading this now and have asked me a wedding question, PLEASE do not suddenly feel guilty. I ask myself wedding questions, too). But after a while, I started thinking about how odd that all really is…
We’ve allowed ourselves to become defined by our current circumstance(s).
Seriously, there are a lot of circumstances surrounding my little life that all feed into the simple question, “What’re you up to lately?” Well, lately, I’ve been working towards graduating from college in two months (wait–less than two months–shooot…), planning a wedding, the whole MARRIAGE part that follows that day, moving to Indianapolis indefinitely after November 28th, and starting my first real job where I won’t be called “Intern.”
Even with that in mind, when I’m honest, my circumstances don’t even come anywhere close to sufficient.
Here’s a small glimpse inside my circumstantial thoughts in the past seven days: a week ago, I read through an article that changed the way I thought about the gender of God. Just this morning, I woke up to another day of doubt. During pre-marital counseling on Thursday, I processed through what it might look like if we cannot physically have children. So yeah, there are bigger things happening than a wedding… and that’s just my teeny tiny life. I’m one of six billion people.
So, I struggle. I’ll be authentic here in saying that–right now–I don’t believe our wedding to be the most important thing… and I wrestle with believing it should ever be the most important thing in anyone’s life.
Yeah, I said it. I know, some bride somewhere is going to think I am the spawn of Satan for saying so. I know weddings are a big stinkin’ deal. Hello! I’m planning one. I am thrilled beyond comprehension to walk down the aisle and become Kyle’s wife. I cannot wait to put on my dress, get dolled up with my best friends, and dance to the Cupid Shuffle at our reception (oh yeah, it’s happening). I long to serve and love him for the rest of my time on this earth. HOWEVER, I also realize that along with that comes a huge commitment, one that lasts longer than my ivory dress.
I just hope that as created beings, we can allow ourselves to look beyond our current circumstance(s), no matter how time-consuming, overwhelming, exhausting, or exciting they may be. Let’s see the bigger picture. And while we’re at it, can we be brave enough to ask each other the heart questions, instead of circumstantial ones?
Please add to the conversation–I know my thoughts are not complete.

One thought on “more than circumstance.

  1. Yep, interesting thoughts on the "circumstantial" prefaces to conversations… and it seems that throughout your life and the various stages you go through, it doesn't really get any better. After the wedding, when people are no longer asking about the wedding plans, it becomes "So how is married life?" But that is more like the "How are you today?" question that doesn't really expect a long answer. No one expects you to divulge the early newlywed marriage problems… they expect (and hope) you will simply say "its great!" Then after a few years, its "When are you going to have kids"… again, not really expecting a long or even really honest answer. They don't want to know about the struggles with that either, really. (I know this is an over-generalization of people, but you know what I mean.) I guess one question we should be asking ourselves is how can I approach my relationships and conversations with people that I love in a manner that conveys how much I really care about that person? More than just the circumstantial, rhetorical questions that are so easy to rattle off. Good thoughts. Can't wait to see yoU!!!

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